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Post by andrew on Aug 2, 2006 3:16:43 GMT -5
Some Christian One-Line Smilers For Your Church Magazine
1). Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
2). It is easier to preach ten sermons, than it is to live one.
3). The Good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but midges and flies come close.
4). When you get to Wit's End Corner, you will find Jesus lives there
5). People really are funny! They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
6). They say that opportunity may knock but once, but believe me temptation bangs on you door for ever.
7). Stop moaning about your church, if it was perfect, you couldn't belong to it.
8). If your church wants a better preacher, it needs only to pray for the one it already has.
9). God Himself does not propose to judge man until he is dead, So why should you?
10). Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
11). Peace starts with a smile.
12). I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
13). A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
14). We are called to witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
15). Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
16). A coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
17). Don't put a question mark where God puts a full stop.
18). Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
19). Forbidden fruits create many jams.
20). God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
21). God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the Spirit" over "religious nuts."
22). God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
23). He who angers you controls you!
24). If God is your co-pilot - swap seats!
25). The task ahead of us in never as great as the Power behind us.
26). He Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
27). REMEMBER - we don't change the Message, the Message changes us.
28). You can tell how much a person trusts the Lord by what it takes to discourage them.
29). The best mathematical equation the world has ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. Beat that!!!!
30). Many people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
31). The one phrase that is guaranteed to wake up the congregation is; 'And in conclusion .'
32). To make a long story short, don't tell it.
A little bit more than one-liners
33). Going to church doesn't qualify you as a child of God any more than sitting in a garage qualifies you as a car.
34). Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember Moses started out as a basket case.
35). Christian to atheist: "If I am wrong, and you are right, I have got nothing to worry about, and I'll just live on in my blissful ignorance. But if I am right, then you have some really big problems.
36). Don't keep the faith, spread it around!!!!!
and finally .
A simple prayer for the one who sent you this and for the ones you forward it to - "Father, bless this person in what You know he or she may be needing this day.
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Post by davidinczech001 on Mar 22, 2007 10:29:01 GMT -5
These are genuine clips from Council tenants
complaining to the Council
about problems with their abodes.
1. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
2.I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming
away from the
wall.
3. Will you please send someone to mend the garden
path? My wife
tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
4. I request permission to remove my drawers in the
kitchen
5. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling
plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.
6. I am still having problems with smoke in my new
drawers.
7. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the
children until it is
cleared.
8. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it
is a funny colour
& not fit to drink.
9. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and
would like a
third so please send someone round to do something
about it.
10. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the
outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that
blew them off.
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Post by davidinczech001 on Mar 22, 2007 10:39:25 GMT -5
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was
"acting up" during the morning worship hour. The
parents did their best to maintain some sense of order
in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the
father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly
up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the
safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to
the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive
us our trashbaskets as we forgive those who put trash
in our baskets."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you
can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
having a real good time like I am."
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as
they were on the way to church service, "And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little
girl replied, "Because people are sleeping,"
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike and
as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one
side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping
before jerking it again. After several circles and
jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward
her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he
hurt us?"
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang
and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had
enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get
the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity
for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I
can wait. "Kevin turned to his younger brother and
said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when the
four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and
led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the
sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The
boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him
back down?"
After the church service a little boy told the pastor,
"When I grow up I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest
preachers we've ever had."
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to their six-year old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know
what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you
hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed
her head and said, "Lord why on earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's
wife."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a
child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially
intent when they told him how Eve was created out of
one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying as though he was in pain. When asked
what was wrong Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain
in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was
coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop,
and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he
would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it
went, step,step,ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way
down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was
near tears from laughing so hard by the time he
reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the
child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring
Bear."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
fascination,looking at the old pages as he turned
them. Then something fell out of the Bible He picked
it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf
from a tree that has been pressed in between the
pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he
answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are
we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A ten-year old under the tutelage of her grandmother,
was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin
Mary or the King James Virgin?"
This last one is out of the mouth of a 3 year old boy:
Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his
name..."
These jokes are from River of Life Church in Canada. Hope you enjoyed them.
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Post by Michael on Mar 22, 2007 11:17:11 GMT -5
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Post by davidinczech001 on Mar 26, 2007 10:31:14 GMT -5
FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
---------------------------------------
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special thingytails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian thingytail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel airconditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
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Post by Michael on Feb 4, 2008 11:51:57 GMT -5
Quotes on Discipleship
Christianity without discipleship is always Christianity without Christ. [Dietrich Bonhoeffer]
In the spiritual life only one thing produces genuine joy and that is obedience. [Richard Foster]
Salvation is free, ... but discipleship will cost you your life. [Dietrich Bonhoeffer]
Holiness has never been the driving force of the majority. It is, however, mandatory for anyone who wants to enter the kingdom. [Elisabeth Elliot]
I know the power obedience has of making things easy which seem impossible. [Teresa of Avila]
No man has the mind of Christ, except him who makes it his business to obey him. [George MacDonald]
One can believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ and feel no personal loyalty to Him at all - indeed, pay no attention whatever to His commandments and His will for one's life. [Catherine Marshall]
Those who doubt most, and yet strive to overcome their doubts, turn out to be some of Christ's strongest disciples. [Selwyn Hughes]
Jesus promised His disciples three things: that they would be entirely fearless, absurdly happy, and that they would get into trouble. [W. Russell Maltby]
Plant a word in the mind, and you will reap an act. Plant the act and you will reap a habit. Plant a habit and you will reap a character. Plant a character and you will reap a nature. Plant a nature and you will reap a destiny. [Unknown]
He who is faithful in little will be faithful in much. [Jesus Christ]
If Christ does not reign over the mundane events in our lives, He does not reign at all. [Paul Tripp]
To be converted to faith in Jesus Christ is to return to the worship of the true God, and to dethrone all rivals to his authority. Graham Kendrick The characteristic of holiness, which is the outcome of the indwelling of God, is blazing truthfulness with regard to God's word and an amazing tenderness in personal dealings. [Oswald Chambers]
Those who teach by their doctrine must teach by their life, or else they pull down with one hand what they build up with the other. [Matthew Henry]
No one can sum up all God is able to accomplish through one solitary life, wholly yielded, adjusted, and obedient to Him. [D.L.Moody]
I surrendered unto Him all there was of me; everything! Then for the first time I realized what it meant to have real power. [Kathryn Kuhlman]
Nothing is really lost by a life of sacrifice; everything is lost by failure to obey God's call. [Henry P Liddon]
Quotes on Prayer
Prayer will make a man cease from sin, or sin will entice a man to cease from prayer. (John Bunyan)
Men give advice; God gives guidance. (Leonard Ravenhill)
The spirit of prayer is more precious than treasures of gold and silver.(John Bunyan)
...a man who kneels before God will stand before men. (Leonard Ravenhill)
True prayer is a lonely business. (Samuel Chadwick)
Never say you will pray about a thing; pray about it. (Oswald Chambers)
In all your prayers forget not to thank the Lord for his mercies. (John Bunyan)
He that is never on his knees on earth, shall never stand upon his feet in heaven. (C. H. Spurgeon)
Prayer does not fit us for the greater work, prayer is the greater work. (Oswald Chambers)
In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. (John Bunyan)
The greatest and best talent that God gives to any man or woman in this world is the talent of prayer. (Alexander Whyte)
He who runs from God in the morning will scarcely find Him the rest of the day. (John Bunyan)
I live in the spirit of prayer; I pray as I walk, when I lie down and when I rise, and the answers are always coming. (George Mueller)
Prayer is not so much an act as it is an attitude—an attitude of dependency, dependency upon God. (Arthur W. Pink)
Pray often, for prayer is a shield to the soul, a sacrifice to God. and a scourge for Satan. (John Bunyan)
We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties. (Oswald Chambers)
Heaven is full of answers to prayers for which no one ever bothered to ask. (Billy Graham)
Prayer is the spiritual gymnasium in which we exercise and practice Godliness. (VL Crawford)
See that you do not use the trick of prayer to cover up what you know you ought to do. (Oswald Chambers)
He who knows how to overcome with God in prayer has heaven and earth at his disposal. (C. S. Spurgeon)
Nothing you can do will benefit you more than prayer. (Paul Y. Cho)
The more helpless you are, the better you are fitted to pray, and the more answers to prayer you will experience. (O. Hallesby)
Of all the duties enjoined by Christianity none is more essential and yet more neglected than prayer. (Fenelon)
Nothing tends more to cement the hearts of Christians than praying together. Never do they love one another so well as when they witness the outpouring of each other's hearts in prayer. (Charles Finney)
He who is too busy to pray will be too busy to live a holy life. Satan had rather we let the grass grow on the path to our prayer chamber than anything else. (E.M.Bounds)
Learn to worship God as the God who does wonders, who wishes to prove in you that He can do something supernatural and divine. (Andrew Murray)
Those who know God the best are the richest and most powerful in prayer. Little acquaintance with God, and strangeness and coldness to Him, make prayer a rare and feeble thing. (E. M. Bounds)
True prayer is measured by weight - not by length. A single groan before God may have more fullness of prayer in it than a fine oration of great length. (C. H. Spurgeon)
Often times God wants us to sit before Him in quietness. He doesn't want us to do all the talking. As Is. 30:15 says In quiet and confidence will be your strength. (Charles Stanley)
Prayer is not a hard requirement - it is the natural duty of a creature to its creator, the simplest homage that human need can pay to divine liberality. (C. H. Spurgeon)
Everything starts with prayer. Love to pray--feel the need to pray often during the day and take the trouble to pray. If you want to pray better, you must pray more. The more you pray, the easier it becomes. Perfect prayer does not consist of many words but in the fervor of the desire which raises the heart to Jesus. (Mother Teresa)
The greatest thing anyone can do for God and man is pray. It is not the only thing; but it is the chief thing. The great people of the earth today are the people who pray. I do not mean those who talk about prayer; nor those who say they believe in prayer; nor yet those who can explain about prayer; but I mean those people who take time to pray. (S.D. Gordon)
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